U say it best, when u say nothing at all.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.
You can say that again.
Along said to me " You may have an argument with ur siblings...just never have a fight"
So now u tell me?
I had this fight with my brother the other day.
The brother who i usually have altercations with every OTHER day.
But the other day was different.
It was huge..in a ginormous way.
For me atleast. For him aswell it seems coz we weren't talking to eachother.Even until today we havent had a real conversation.Its still hard to look him in the eye.There hasn't been any closure.
I'm the kind who forgets tht I'm suppose to stay angry whilst he's the kind who gets mad as fast and easily as he cools off which is usually is super fast.
Our quarells never last longer than a day with our types of personalities colliding.
But in a way..it bulids this surging energy inside us..this unbelievable resentment towards eachother that we've kept all these years.
I'm not quite sure whether or not he feels the same way but this is what I feel.
Why am I so blatant and insolent towards him. What is this inward demonic trait I hid deep inside of me all this while?
It scared me to discover my true feelings.It scared me to death.
Why is it I'm terrified of him rather than respect him.Why is this so HARD to deal with.
Blood is thicker than water is the saying.Well u can drink water..but U have to be a bloodsucking monster to drink blood.
I hate the fact that I resemble him in many ways. I guess thats what infuriates me the most. The fact that I the female version of him with decreased egoism.
I'm horrified of turning into him.Alas the disrespect.
But thats also the fact I can't look up to the guy.Because..deep inside I feel he has n right to judge the person I am whilst he does the same wrongdoings I do. That he's no better than I am..no more important than I am.
I shouldn't be saying all this.It's not my place.It's even wrong to think them up..Yet I can't help myself. I have to get it off my chest. Forgive me.
Do I love him?
I don't know.
Do I care for him?
I really don't know.
A few nights ago along gave me this long talk.He said that 'he' conferred to him about the 'situation'. He said to along that he loves me so dearly despite of me despising him. He said he'd never for a second hesitate to sacrifice his life for mine..*looks down*
I cried when I heard that. Don't get me wrong...Its not that I was touched by the gesture..the thought..but coz I felt overwhelmed by this feeling eating me inside..I felt sick about myself because..I couldn't say the same for him. *looks at the ceiling*
What kind of sister am I? Better yet..what kind of person am I?
Yesterday my cats got into a fight..and as I was trying to tear them apart he came down to the rescue..and he got scratched for it. He even bled. At the sight of him hurt..I guess there was a little tug at my heart. Maybe i do care.
Fortunately when things get rough like this..I take a step back in life,take a deep breath and look back at my life..my contributions..my contradictions..what I did and did NOT do...what i should or should not do. I see things as they are more clearly. And then I can finally move forwards towards a better life where I learn from my mistakes and fix it. I try to become a better,wiser and a matured person.
The only problem now is having closure with my brother. To resolve this petty argument.I have to ask for his forgiveness. I have to say I'm sorry. The hardest word in the books of vocabulary.
