Know ur Limits di ba?

The Tyra Banks Show.

"Stop beating us up..because we beat ourselves up enough every single day of our lives"

These words were said by one of Tyra's guests on her show. The topic that day was about obese ladies and the person who quoted the dialogue above was one of them.

I think..A can't agree more. I can relate to that.

Some people make themselves feel much superior by degrading other people. Making other people feel small and vulnerable. Cruel! Thats what that is. No.Its SAD.

Can we label these people as atrocious bad-ass cold hearted human beings(reptiles is what they are!!)? What if these ppl themselves went through some kind of pained or turbulent childhood? *takes a while to consider*

Everyone has the feeling of insecurity. Self-conciousness.Low-self-esteem.Sel-loathing. Even just a little bit. its there.whether u notice it or not.Whether u would aknowledge it or not. Through these traits comes self-righteousness.

The 'silent' clamouring from every single one of us. A cry for help.

You know. When u look into the mirror and u see this person staring back at u. You'll notice numerous imperfections .U can even observe the fine ones. How ur eyebrows don't match.Ur nose,disporportionate.Ur left ear bigger than the left.But then we've always been taught to think...

"I should be thankful..grateful with Gods creations.There are people outthere who are more unfortunate."

Who exactly are these ppl that come to mind? Bcuz come to think of it...than EVERONE is lucky right? Every single one of us due to the fact that there will ALWAYS be someone else who is inferior to u. To ur situation. Then who is it thats sits at the bottom of this pyramid of superficiality? Who is it that sinks to the pit bottom of this deep dark well?

They are the dead and non-existent. No one is really at the bottom.

However...even they should be a thousand times grateful. In a way..they are not even in the well. Their not fighting for their liver. Racing to be noticed in society (or even hiding from it too) because they are the ones outside of this 'tunnel'.

Looking down at us inside it as we claw ourselves to the top.

My very first!

Early this morning I went to see my first Csection operation..LIVE! My sis conducted it.It was cool..but waiting for the patient to get patched back up was a little draggy.Sis says that was considered ok coz there wasn't a lotta fat compared to previous operations where there were layers and layers of em.. before that i assist her during ultrsound.It was mind-boggling!!wooohoooooo~
(the pic above,courtesy of MoMo~)

U say it best, when u say nothing at all.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

You can say that again.

Along said to me " You may have an argument with ur siblings...just never have a fight"

So now u tell me?

I had this fight with my brother the other day.

The brother who i usually have altercations with every OTHER day.

But the other day was different.

It was huge..in a ginormous way.

For me atleast. For him aswell it seems coz we weren't talking to eachother.Even until today we havent had a real conversation.Its still hard to look him in the eye.There hasn't been any closure.

I'm the kind who forgets tht I'm suppose to stay angry whilst he's the kind who gets mad as fast and easily as he cools off which is usually is super fast.

Our quarells never last longer than a day with our types of personalities colliding.

But in a way..it bulids this surging energy inside us..this unbelievable resentment towards eachother that we've kept all these years.

I'm not quite sure whether or not he feels the same way but this is what I feel.

Why am I so blatant and insolent towards him. What is this inward demonic trait I hid deep inside of me all this while?

It scared me to discover my true feelings.It scared me to death.

Why is it I'm terrified of him rather than respect him.Why is this so HARD to deal with.

Blood is thicker than water is the saying.Well u can drink water..but U have to be a bloodsucking monster to drink blood.

I hate the fact that I resemble him in many ways. I guess thats what infuriates me the most. The fact that I the female version of him with decreased egoism.

I'm horrified of turning into him.Alas the disrespect.

But thats also the fact I can't look up to the guy.Because..deep inside I feel he has n right to judge the person I am whilst he does the same wrongdoings I do. That he's no better than I am..no more important than I am.

I shouldn't be saying all this.It's not my place.It's even wrong to think them up..Yet I can't help myself. I have to get it off my chest. Forgive me.

Do I love him?

I don't know.

Do I care for him?

I really don't know.

A few nights ago along gave me this long talk.He said that 'he' conferred to him about the 'situation'. He said to along that he loves me so dearly despite of me despising him. He said he'd never for a second hesitate to sacrifice his life for mine..*looks down*

I cried when I heard that. Don't get me wrong...Its not that I was touched by the gesture..the thought..but coz I felt overwhelmed by this feeling eating me inside..I felt sick about myself because..I couldn't say the same for him. *looks at the ceiling*

What kind of sister am I? Better yet..what kind of person am I?

Yesterday my cats got into a fight..and as I was trying to tear them apart he came down to the rescue..and he got scratched for it. He even bled. At the sight of him hurt..I guess there was a little tug at my heart. Maybe i do care.

Fortunately when things get rough like this..I take a step back in life,take a deep breath and look back at my life..my contributions..my contradictions..what I did and did NOT do...what i should or should not do. I see things as they are more clearly. And then I can finally move forwards towards a better life where I learn from my mistakes and fix it. I try to become a better,wiser and a matured person.

The only problem now is having closure with my brother. To resolve this petty argument.I have to ask for his forgiveness. I have to say I'm sorry. The hardest word in the books of vocabulary.