Many might not know this,but I lost some 'sense' in my right palm.Everytime I look at my right hand I am reminded of how incapable I am . That I'm incomplete.Abnormal in a way.I have to look at it everyday so you should know how helpless I feel probably all the time...Could you atleast imagine how I feel ? Of course not.My self confidence sometimes steeps very low underground.Especially at this point of my life when I'm about to enter the medical world. Am I fit for this field? *sighs & ponders*
Its numbness takes the best out of me.Once in while, it jerks a few tears too. Just this morning I was complaining to mak and ayah about it and felt a bit teary. Mak keeps reminding me to massage it. Maybe it'll heal.I ignore her..maybe because I don't want to keep my hopes up too high. Don't want to feel dissapointment.Bettter for me to accept it and deal with it.I'm thinking that in the future I shouldn't take masters in O&G coz hands are most likely the main tools, and Orthopedics is also out of the picture..
I wish that all the ppl around me knows how I feel, feel what I feel. How it is too touch something and not know what your touching or worse..that you are touching something.Which causes nothing except a few tingles. My hand isn't much sensitive like you normal ppl.Its just my palm that is 'dead'..the back of it is fine..my winky is normal too. Can u picture it? No. You're not me.
Mak told me to be grateful that I even have hands..that its only my right hand plus it looks normal and healthy except for the scar (which actually looks like peninsula msia) .I try to make the best of it by making a joke that it looks like a map. I show ppl where my hometown is. *smirks* But dissapointment always visits me from time time. Once mak wanted to teach me to sew..I gave up before I started. You know why now. Sewing isn't all that fun when it's difficult to even hold the needle. Am I a quitter? I guess so.
How did I lose the ability to feel? When? It was 9 years ago .Its been 9 years of silent moping. How did I deal with it? I just did. At least time did. It was Friday afternoon and Ateh had invited me to fish in the big riverlike drain behind our houses.We brought small used nescafe jars to catch the fishes (Tilapias-how to spell?). We were able to catch 2/3 of em already at the time it happened..I saw that there was this slippery spot infront of me but I decided to walk through it anyway..Guess what? Yup.I slipped and fell.
The jar broke..and eventhough I didn't feel a thing..deep down I knew that something bad had happened to my hand,my wrist. My instincts were right. The glass cut through my palm. I looked at it and called for Ateh..I panicked not knowing what to do. I didn't even cry. Just awed. Finally we ran back to my house (which was hard with one hand slit coz we had to climb out of the drain first ). Banged at the door till mak opened. 'Astarghfirullah' was the first hing she said..but she seemed calmed.
My bros were using the car for Jumaat prayers so we had to wait before going to the clinic. It was during that time I felt a sudden 'ting' and my fingers started to numb. I didn't think it was anything serious or anything permanent..Well I thought wrong. One of my nerves were cut. I'm not quite certain weather it was at that particular time or was it during the sewing part. Can't say for sure. But a friend of my sis (a Doc) had told me that nerves heal..they grow back and connect.At least thats whats suppose to happen. I guess the doc treating my hand had something to do with that.
I'm thinking..I'm going to go see a specialist one of these days. See if I can re-open my stich and fix whatever there is to be fix. If I still have chance to feel again. I wouldn't want to miss it.
